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How To Find Love By NOT Looking For It (Robert Holden)

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How To Find Love By NOT Looking For It

September 16, 2013  by 8 Love Comments
How many times have you heard of someone who found love after they stopped looking for it? I remember being told that story over and over again when I was single and lonely. For two years, I pretended not to look for love in an effort to find love. That didn’t work. It seems that you really do have to stop looking for love in order to find it. So, how do you do that? Here’s my five-step guide.

1. “I am what I seek.”
Looking for love is a mind-set that leads you to believe that love is outside of you. You look out for someone who “has” your love and “is” your love. You hope to find them, so that you can find love. However, looking for love isn’t about finding another person; it’s about finding your heart. When you find your heart again you remember that love exists in you. Now you remember, “I am what I seek.” Now, love goes with you wherever you go, and this is good news because love always finds love.

2. “I am loveable.”
In Loveability, I describe the basic human drama that exists in each of us. Your soul is an expression of the basic truth, which is “I am loveable”; and your ego is an expression of the basic fear, “I am not loveable.” When you look for love you encounter this basic fear, and secondary fears like “What if I never find love?” and “What if love doesn’t exist?” The basic fear causes you to “seek but not find” because you don’t feel worthy. However, when you affirm, “I am loveable,” and treat yourself like someone you love, you attract love into your life.

3. “I am loved.”
When you look for love, you are so focused on finding “the one” that you act as if there is no love in your life until he/she gets here. In other words, you get so fixated on romance that you forget about love. After you finish reading this article, get out a pen and paper. On top of the page write “I am loved.” Then take fifteen minutes to recognize the ways you are loved in your life – by your family, your friends, the divine, your angels, your cat, and your own heart. When you recognize how loved you are, it makes you a magnet for even more love.

4. “I choose love.”
You can’t hold on to a grievance and find love. Unless you forgive your past, you will always be afraid to love and be loved. There is no way around this. Forgiveness is the key to finding love. You can’t keep bandaging an old wound, and let love in. You can’t be defensive, and be open to love. You can’t be resentful, and be present. You can’t be cynical, and enjoy loving relationships. The willingness to forgive ensures you don’t repeat the past. Affirm out loud “I choose love” and you make love welcome.

5. “I am here.”
When you look for love, you put your life on hold. It’s like you’ve told yourself, “I will only show up after I am loved.” Reality can’t give you what you are not giving. You cannot experience what you are not being. Thus, the way to find love is to be the most loving person you can be. And that means being willing to love everyone. Not date everyone! Love everyone. When you love the world, you show up more fully in your life, and that’s how love finds you.


Robert Holden is the creator of a 3-day program called Loveability, which is coming to the USA for the first time in New York in November 2013. 
Robert writes daily on his FB page and hosts a weekly radio show for Hay House Radio called Shift Happens! His new book is Loveability
Dr. Robert Holden