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How To Find Love By NOT Looking For It (Robert Holden)

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How To Find Love By NOT Looking For It

September 16, 2013  by 8 Love Comments
How many times have you heard of someone who found love after they stopped looking for it? I remember being told that story over and over again when I was single and lonely. For two years, I pretended not to look for love in an effort to find love. That didn’t work. It seems that you really do have to stop looking for love in order to find it. So, how do you do that? Here’s my five-step guide.

1. “I am what I seek.”
Looking for love is a mind-set that leads you to believe that love is outside of you. You look out for someone who “has” your love and “is” your love. You hope to find them, so that you can find love. However, looking for love isn’t about finding another person; it’s about finding your heart. When you find your heart again you remember that love exists in you. Now you remember, “I am what I seek.” Now, love goes with you wherever you go, and this is good news because love always finds love.

2. “I am loveable.”
In Loveability, I describe the basic human drama that exists in each of us. Your soul is an expression of the basic truth, which is “I am loveable”; and your ego is an expression of the basic fear, “I am not loveable.” When you look for love you encounter this basic fear, and secondary fears like “What if I never find love?” and “What if love doesn’t exist?” The basic fear causes you to “seek but not find” because you don’t feel worthy. However, when you affirm, “I am loveable,” and treat yourself like someone you love, you attract love into your life.

3. “I am loved.”
When you look for love, you are so focused on finding “the one” that you act as if there is no love in your life until he/she gets here. In other words, you get so fixated on romance that you forget about love. After you finish reading this article, get out a pen and paper. On top of the page write “I am loved.” Then take fifteen minutes to recognize the ways you are loved in your life – by your family, your friends, the divine, your angels, your cat, and your own heart. When you recognize how loved you are, it makes you a magnet for even more love.

4. “I choose love.”
You can’t hold on to a grievance and find love. Unless you forgive your past, you will always be afraid to love and be loved. There is no way around this. Forgiveness is the key to finding love. You can’t keep bandaging an old wound, and let love in. You can’t be defensive, and be open to love. You can’t be resentful, and be present. You can’t be cynical, and enjoy loving relationships. The willingness to forgive ensures you don’t repeat the past. Affirm out loud “I choose love” and you make love welcome.

5. “I am here.”
When you look for love, you put your life on hold. It’s like you’ve told yourself, “I will only show up after I am loved.” Reality can’t give you what you are not giving. You cannot experience what you are not being. Thus, the way to find love is to be the most loving person you can be. And that means being willing to love everyone. Not date everyone! Love everyone. When you love the world, you show up more fully in your life, and that’s how love finds you.


Robert Holden is the creator of a 3-day program called Loveability, which is coming to the USA for the first time in New York in November 2013. 
Robert writes daily on his FB page and hosts a weekly radio show for Hay House Radio called Shift Happens! His new book is Loveability
Dr. Robert Holden

Success – What is It?

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“There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way”
Christopher Morley
“My definition of success is to live your life in a way that causes you to
feel a ton of pleasure and very little pain –
and because of your lifestyle, have the people around you
feel a lot more pleasure than they do pain”
Tony Robbins
“Success is the continued expansion of happiness and the progressive realization of worthy goals”
Deepak Chopra

Success is a subject that I have given much thought to due to recent circumstances of my life and knew it would be the topic of my 2nd blog.

I moved from Johannesburg to London three years ago to make a better life for myself.   Events made me yearn for a major change to inject new energy into my life.  So I left a life where I had a career, a home of my own and some level of material comfort and came alone to a strange city where I had no support system and no job due to the current economic recession which is a financial burden I was not expecting.   I really moved out of my comfort zone and embraced the unknown in a big way!

“An integral being knows without going, sees without looking,
and accomplishes without doing”
Lao Tzu 

Our culture’s standard definition of success is based on achieving money, fame and power which are connected to material gain and external recognition – and we are judged by the measure of these accomplishments.  Therefore, according to society’s definition of success, this move to London would then make me a failure – so why then I am so happy?

Because I side with the belief that authentic success is when you have faith, self-awareness, knowing who you really are and what you want, and then you can fulfil your own definition of success not society’s definition.  Then only is it real, true, meaningful and uniquely your own.  Your definition reaches clarity when you take an inner journey going deep within yourself to the seat of your soul and truly realize the magnificent spiritual being that you are and what the desires of your soul are.

Success is a soulful process, not limited to just one aspect of life, it has many layers at various points in life.  True success should be specific to you and your desires; it is subjective as what success means to one, can be very different for another.  When you follow your joy and believe you received the favourable outcome to an action because it is what your heart desires in the present, that for me is authentic success.

“Like two golden birds perched on the selfsame tree,
intimate friends, the ego and the Self dwell in the same body.
The former eats the sweet and 
sour fruits of the tree of life,
while the latter 
looks on in detachment”
The Mundaka Upanishad 

I have faith that at the right time I will find my ideal job in the Incentives & Events Industry as it is my passion to give people the gift of travel.  But until then I will be a “tourist” and relish the wealth of gifts I cherish like the freedom to go for walks in the many parks, enjoy culture, theatre, museums, bus rides and tourist sites at my fingertips to enjoy on a daily basis.  I also have the time to read and blog! My decision to move to London, therefore has been the best decision I ever made as I feel more free, joyful and fulfilled than ever – and it shows, my  friends even refer to London as my lover and call me “Lon-garita” (London/Margarita).

“Follow Your Bliss”
Joseph Campbell

I always ask the universe to send me signs for answers, clarity and validation to decisions I made – I am a big believer in synchronicity – and once again I was not disappointed.  I decided to start attending spiritual talks organised by Alternatives every Monday night in St James’s Church.  I had no idea who the speaker was nor what the topic was until I arrived there and discovered it was Robert Holden discussing “Authentic Success” from his book “Success Intelligence” – coincidence, I think not! It was an amazing talk and I have started reading his book! Thank you Robert.

I tend to focus on what I have at this present moment instead on what I have not.   I also have faith that I will achieve my goals when it is the right time in my life to do so.  I am truly blessed and grateful for my self-power and the wealth in my life which makes me feel authentically successful.

I am especially grateful to Deepak Chopra, my spiritual teacher, for his book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” which I would like to share with you in the hope that you will receive joy and guidance from it as I did as it resonates with my belief system.

(I summarize/paraphrase/quote Deepak Chopra
“The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success”):

Deepak Chopra defines success  as follows:

1) the continued expansion of happiness and the progressive realization of worthy goals;
2) the ability to love and have compassion;
3) to be in touch with the creative source inside you enabling you to create something of value that was not there before;
4) to ultimately move from success to significance for the common good

“You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will  is, so is your deed.  As your deed is, so is your destiny.”
Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5 

Dr Chopra says that somehow, in modern society, wealth and money have become equated.  Money is not wealth.  Wealth, which comes from creativity, in its true sense, is success.  True and lasting success is an internal process, a journey which has very little to do with what goes on externally. When you realize you are not your body, but that you essentially are a spiritual being having a human experience, you can start to shift your attention to creating authentic success and having fun along the journey.  True success is the unfolding of the divinity within us. When we begin to experience life as the miraculous expression of divinity–then we will know the true meaning of success.

Applying the “The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success” in your life can create whatever you desire:

1)  The Law of Pure Potentiality:
The source of all creation is pure consciousness
pure potentiality seeking expression from
the unmanifest to the manifest.
And when we realize that our
true Self is one of pure potentiality,
we align with the power that manifests everything in the universe.

Applying the Law of Pure Potentiality:
be silent and meditate
practice non-judgement
commune with nature

 2) The Law of Giving (and Receiving):
 “The universe operates through dynamic exchange
giving and receiving are different aspects of
the flow of energy in the universe.
And in our willingness to give that which we seek,
we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.

Applying the Law of Giving:
bring a gift to all you meet
gratefully receive all the gifts that life offers
keep wealth circulating

 3) The Law of Karma (or Cause and Effect):
 “Every action generates a force of energy
that returns to us in like kind
what we sow is what we reap
And when we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others,
the fruit of our karma is happiness and success.”

Applying the Law of “Karma” or Cause and Effect:
witness the choices you make in each moment
ask yourself two questions:
“What are the consequences of this choice I am making?”
“Will this choice bring fulfillment and happiness to all?”
ask your heart for guidance

4) The Law of Least Effort:
 “Nature’s intelligence functions with effortless ease
with carefreeness, harmony, and love.
And when we harness the forces of harmony, joy, and love,
we create success and good fortune with effortless ease.

Applying the Law of Least Effort:
practice acceptance and know that this moment is as it should be
take Responsibility for your situations
know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise
ensure your awareness remains established in Defenselessness

5) The Law of Intention and Desire:
 “Inherent in every intention and desire is the mechanics for its fulfillment
Intention and desire in the field of pure potentiality
have infinite organizing power.
And when we introduce an intention in
the fertile ground of pure potentiality,
we put this infinite organizing power to work for us.

Applying the Law of Intention and Desire:
make a list of your desires
release this list  and surrender it to the womb of creation, trusting
practice present-moment awareness in all your actions

6) The Law of Detachment:
 “In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty
in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom
from our past, from the known,
which is the prison of past conditioning.
And in our willingness to step into the unknown,
the field of all possibilities,
we surrender ourselves to the creative mind
that orchestrates the dance of the universe.

Applying the Law of Detachment:
commit yourself to detachment
and freedom to allow things to be as they are
factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of your experience
step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement
that can occur when you remain open to an infinity of choices

7) The Law of “Dharma” or Purpose in Life:
Everyone has a purpose in life
a unique gift or special talent to give to others.
And when we blend this unique talent with service to others,
we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit,
which is the ultimate goal of all goals.

Applying the Law of “Dharma” or Purpose in Life:
lovingly nurture the god/goddess
in embryo that lies deep within your soul
make a list of your unique talents and what you love to do
use your talents in the service of humanity
ask questions:  “how can I serve?” and “how can I help?”

Through my journey of the Self, I have made many mistakes and faced many obstacles which I view  as gifts to be harnessed as building stones to a stronger foundation.  So as I continue to write my own “success story” I ensure that I live in the awareness of the present moment so that through my way of life I can live up to my highest potential and be the grandest version of myself in unity with the I Am.

“I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details”

Albert Einstein